Wednesday, April 26, 2017

On Monocles

I really think Monocles are going to come back into style.

You know the Monocle: that one eyed wonder of vision correction beloved by Terrifyingly Taut Teutons in all those old war movies. I think they went out of style because they reminded us of Nazis or some other equally prissy category of bad guys. But it could also have been because the "classic" monocle wasn't particularly versatile, having only "in" and "out" settings. In today's hip, "with it" world the humble monocle becomes a whole range of monocle-based technologies. There is of course the Monocle "Classic" for daily domination but there's also the "reading" monocle and the "sun" monocle with the exciting possibility of having a bi-monocle that goes darker in the sun making you a dreaded monocle triple-threat.

Then there are different fashion choices:  I particularly am fond of the cheap "Wrap-around" Sun-Monocle styling that I'm sure will sweep the nether regions of California and Florida before long.

Some days when I'm feeling particularly sinister I put in just one of my contact lenses which is just like having a monocle although it's hard to peer down at someone with studied contempt while holding your contact lens over your eye. This is because when trying to get your contact/monocle you end up poking yourself in the eye, causing it to water which makes it look like half of you is crying which isn't a particularly sinister look no matter what your sycophantic henchmen say.

You heard it here first: the Monocle is back. Bigger, brighter and more intimidating than ever.

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